I love the Number 6

Pic of the Day: Got Milk ?

POTD: Jessica Simpson.....single again?

The Married Guy re: Why?

Should I start calling you Jada Kiss?

-I am just glad that Mexican's are working at all. My peeps gots ta represent! You need to start going to ToGo's anyway. Did you type "sammich" and correct it with spellcheck?

-The thing with your mom has to be the single funniest thing you ever told me. The best part is that it never gets old and I am reminded of it twice a year.

-Dude, you don't need to tell me about Asians and there driving, you know where I live. It is fucking crazy everyday when I drive home. It is my personal nam. Is it racist that everytime I smell my neighbors BBQ'ing, I check over the wall to make sure their dog is still alive?

-Yeah, I hated your ex-boss, that smelly bastard. I will never forget that time we were in the elevator and he gets off on the 5th floor leaving me and another buddy (Mexican also). Of course we stop on the 4th to pick up 2 women & 2 men (all white). They looked at me and this guy like if we were the 2 smelliest Mexicans that just swam across from TJ.

-What's wrong with Air Force 1's....I used to stomp around in those muggs all the time.

-Magic just needs to sit his old, fat, aids having ass down. Cookie needs to start taking control. This guy is everywhere. They are looking for him to comment on the whole Shaq/Kobe feud. Who care what Magic has to say about it. They need to un-retire his jersey #32.

-Speaking of Kobe...how could this guy break the man code. You never, never, never, never, never, never mention another guys business. NEVER! That was a bitch move. I lost a lot of respect for him. How can this guy be trusted in the locker room now? I can't wait to see the game on Christmas day.

-I never understood why anybody would give Pauly Shore a movie. The only thing I could come up with was his mom must have serviced some guys on her way up and studio execs felt like they owed her something....I mean she did end up owning the Comedy Store. That was probably given to her too.

-I also have to give Pauly Shore some credit. I mean, he was the fucking "Weasel" dude. That spring break in the late 80's on MTV was the fist time I came in my pants with out even touching myself...me and Joey Lawrence.

-I fucking hate NASCAR. Why do people call this a sport. It's fucking ridiculous. It's a hillbilly sport. Wait till black guys get into it.....they will dominate. I wonder if they will let the black drivers drive around the track blasting rap music.....jigga who, jigga what!

-I am not sure about that show. I liked it the first couple of weeks, but it's starting to drag. I only like the fight at the end. You are right, these guys can't box. They are trying to make it to much like every other reality show. Oscar should have been training for Hopkins instead of putting on a TV show, then maybe he wouldn't have gotten knocked the fuck out.

-I hate when porn stars do that. That's like when I dated this stripper and she hated to go out to a club or dance. On her days off, she just wanted to stay home. I was like, what the shit is this. On her work days, she was crazy....I mean crazy. One time she let me dive her through the Taco Bell drive-thru buck ass naked. Everybody working the graveyard shift that night had their heads at the window. Of course we got the food for free. Man I loved her.

-it's TORTURE ! I would be pissed if I was Randy or Jermaine. If I was Tito, I'd still be mad at my parents for naming me fucking Tito. I mean you name him Tito, then Marlon, Randy, Jackie & Michael. Why name the rest of the kids with regular names? I will never understand Joe and his goldchain wearing ass.

-Finally, I might think the new baby might be yours it you didn't shoot blanks. I keep tell you, you boys don't swim.

The Single Guy: Why?

Why, Damn it?

- Why do Mexicans who work at Subway, only put one line of mustard on my sandwich instead of doing the typical zigzag? No American makes a sandwich like that.

- Why does my mother think she has to wake up at 3AM to set the clock when time goes forward/backward?

- Why do Asians drive so badly, is it really because of their squinted eyes? Is the previous sentence racist even if it’s true?

- Why did my ex-boss never use deodorant, even in the summertime?

- Why did Air Force 1s make a comeback? I didn’t like them the first time!

- Why is a fat, bloated, older Ervin “Magic” Johnson in the ads for his Magic32 shoe line? Do we really want to wear the shoe of a fat, old, black guy?

- Why would Kobe Bryant have to rape an average white girl? He’s Kobe fucking Bryant!

- Why would Pauly Shore invest his own money in a Pauly Shore movie no one will see? Pauly Shore never once in my life made me laugh.

- Why did Tiffany Amber Thiesen sleep with Pauly Shore? Was he that big of a star back then and I never knew?

- Why do people watch NASCAR, the cars just go around in a circle? Are they the people that were too dumb to comprehend other sports?

- Why didn’t Oscar De La Hoya get guys on his show that could actually box?

- Why do porn stars always act oversexed when they are on shows, like Howard Stern for example? Do you see basketball players always dribbling a ball?

- Why do Michael Jackson’s brothers still love him when he left the group, thus ending everyone’s careers?

- Married Guy, why aren’t you going to name your next son after me? I told you he might be mine.

Pic Of The Day: Vote Kerry

The Married Guy re: I Smell Pussy!

Aaahh! A topic close to my heart. First I must start by mentioning that I was blessed with not having a strong sense of smell. I say blessed because I am a pussy eater from way back. If I had a strong sense of smell, this might have caused conflict with my favorite past time. I liked the Single Guy's scale, and I am also glad that I haven't ran into a couple on it... Although thinking back, without a good sense of smell, I might have been going down on a Mr. Limpet and didn't even know it!

Here is my scale, which is pretty much the same, aside from my own terminology.

1. The Perfect Storm or "Disneyland" - This is the picture perfect pussy eating situation, usually reserved for special occasions like Birthday's, Anniversary's & Valentine's Day, etc. This is a very rare occurrence like when you were younger and your parents would take you to Disneyland like once every other year...you looked forward to the day for months in advance. Everything lines up perfect, from her attitude, her smell, and especially her taste. These occations are few and far between, so savor them...ideally with pictures (if she lets you). If I was to think of a famous woman that reminds me of a Perfect Storm, I would have to go with Catherine Zeta Jones - Douglas. She just seems to me like she takes care of herself down there.

2. The Outkast - ... it's just soo Fresh and soo Clean clean!! This is when women get ready for a date and they know they are going to give it up. They even wear the pretty panties. Most women fall into this category at some point in the month. This usually falls somewhere after their period ends and ovulation begins. Jennifer Anniston represents the Outkast women.

3. Doritos - To me, this is what a real pussy smells like. If you don't believe me, try it. Get a small bag of new Doritos and put your nose in it right after you open it... if you don't think of eating pussy at this point I feel sorry for you. Whenever the Married Girl makes me a Sandwich and Doritos for lunch on the weekends it brings a tear to my eye knowing that I will never get to smell another pussy...hold on...I'm tearing up again typing that last sentence. All women have this smell. This is where the term stinky pinky comes from. It's actually a really good smell. It makes the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It also gets the pre-come going on the tip of my dick. This is also the reason I think I am a good "Sleep Boner". If the Married Girl sleeps with no panties...I always end up trying to bone her from the back in the middle of the night while I am asleep. She always tells me in the morning what I tried the night before. I just tell her that my dick must smell her scent...actually I say that it was hungry for some Doritos.

4. The Russell Jones - Simply put, the Ol' Dirty Bastard! or the Dirt MeGirt! The Single Guy hit it on the head with his Caviar fishy & shit combo. There are 2 maybe 3 possibilities of running into this kind of pussy. One is when you catch your girl off guard. You both have a busy day at work and just come home sweating, sticky and horny. Sometimes it's just better like that. It kind of ruins it if you have to wait and take a shower. There is something to be said for getting your girl when she gets home and just lifting up her skirt, pulling down her thong, and bending her over the couch Kobe style! Two is when you just finish playing sports or exercising. It is kind of Funky, but with the right girl, it can be great. It has to be right after the physical activity, if you wait too long, it is sick. I remember having an ex-girlfriend who used to run track. I used to love it when she would come home after running home from practice, dripping wet. I would lick her all over. Her pussy hair would be drenched...but tasted so good. Then I would lick all the way up her ass crack with beads of sweat dripping down. That was the best. One time I tried it when she got a ride home from practice and it was like I was eating out of a garbage can in a back alley somewhere. The Third is that the girl is just nasty and trashy. Think Courtney Love.

5. The Nemo - You won't have to worry about "Finding this Nemo", because believe me, this pussy smell goes right to your nose...sometimes through her panties. One test can be to smell a girls belly button. This might be able to tip you off if you are not sure. One time I was with this girl Rachel and she got her smell everywhere in the house. We partied all weekend while my parents were out of town and I am sure they could smell it when they returned. I couldn't believe how strong it was. I had all the windows open in the house and I could smell it from the driveway. It was on my hands for like a week. I was tempted to take a bath in bleach.

6. The COWABUNGA !! or The Clooney - I have never smelled this personally, but the Single Guy isn't the only one to compare it to a sewer smell...thus the name Cowabunga, for the ever popular sewer living Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I have however come across The Clooney a few times with the same girl. This is when the pussy is sick and needs a trip to the ER. This chicks pussy looked like it was filled with oatmeal. I am not sure if she realized it because she was always very clean and the times before she had sported an Outkast. She must have discovered it later because she was embarrassed around me after that for a few weeks. She made it up to me with a Perfect Storm a couple months later.

7. The Rambo - They drew first blood not me...they drew first blood! Since I am a proud owner of my Red Wings I can say I didn't really enjoy it. The girl was way into it, but I have to say I was kind of nauseous. It felt like I was sticking my dick into a glass of punch. The funny thing is when she asked me if I would go down on her. I didn't know what to say... I was freaking out in my head. Then she started laughing and said "You should have seen the terrified look in your eyes". What she did next I will never forget. She went to the bathroom to clean up. While she was sitting on the toilet she called me over to go wash up. I walked over to her and looked down at my dick. It looked like it was the murder weapon used on Ron & Nicole. She grabbed it and instead of cleaning it with a towel, she put it in her mouth. I was frozen. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. This girl licked up every single drop. I was now cleaner than when we started. She then brushed her teeth and we went to bed and she gave me head again...man I miss that girl.

The Single Guy: I Smell Pussy!

I was talking to Agua last night and she started obsessing about her vaginal odor. She asked me what Vagina smells like because she’s heard me mention how different women smell. There are basically 6 vaginal smells. I have to specify vaginal because if you get a woman that has been out all day and you hit it from the back, without giving her time to wash, it may smell like ass. Without further ado:


1. The Stripper – The Stripper is ideal. It usually has a really nice texture to go along with it. Guys always picture strippers being extremely clean, because every day is like going to the doctor for them. There is an odor, but it’s very distinct and pleasant. Almost like an organic rubbery smell and feel to it. This is only before the flood works begin, then the woman’s personal smell comes through more, but it’s still good. The best is when the woman has the stripper perfume to go with it. I don’t know what it is, but most strippers I’ve ever come across have a certain perfume smell that is unmistakable. The best was when I had a girl who had the stripper and the perfume smell. Damn, that was a good night. The Stripper is the only time I go down, with the exception of…

2. The Accountant – This one has no odor and never gets wet. I’ve only come across one of these and it was some kind of medical condition. It was better than the Stripper because your face doesn’t get glazed over and it always has that rubbery smell and taste because of the lack of moisture. It has no personality, but because it never gets wet, you never know how you’re doing one way or the other.

3. Andy and Opie – This is when a girl has been out all day and needs to freshen up. The smell is a little fishy, but not offensive. You can never tell a woman she smells fishy or she will freak out. I will not go down on an Andy and Opie. You can usually test it by putting a finger in and smelling it when she’s not looking. Do not, I repeat, do not put the finger in your mouth until you smell it.

4. Caviar – I’ve never had real Caviar (fish eggs), don’t have an interest. I know they are fish eggs, but they look like fish shit. The Caviar has the Andy and Opie fishy smell, but there is also a hint of shit thrown in. I don’t even want to think about what’s making this smell, which I’ve only come across once I might add. The problem is you don’t get the smell until she really gets turned on. I don’t know if it was a body chemistry thing, or if some diarrhea leaked down there. I think I’m going to be sick.

5. Mr. Limpet – This is an extremely fishy smell, which, believe it or not, is worse than the Caviar. It’s a more extreme variation on the Andy and Opie. This smell is very strong, but not unbearable. I’ve come across 1 of these. The problem with the Mr. Limpet, like the Caviar, you wouldn’t smell much until she’s really into it.

6. Norton – The only type you will not be able to be in the same room with. It smells exactly, I say this with no exaggeration, like a sewer. I’ve come across 2 of these, one of which I liked and had been dating for a month and just when I’m about to bury my head between two of the best ass cheeks I’ve ever seen, I smell a Norton. I’m glad she stopped me before it got weird. I showd The Married Guy exactly what it smelled like and I could tell he thought I was exaggerating, which I'm glad he did, that means he never went through what I went through. That was my Nam man, that was my Nam.

Pic of the Day: Jennifer Anniston's Nipples

Married Guy: What the F**k!

Can you believe this hot chick Katana Baker dates a normal guy only making $12,000 per year? How long is this going to last? He must have a 12-inch personality as they say. I am sure it won't be long before guys with money start hitting on her and she eventually gives in to the gifts they will certainly be giving her.

Something always happens that makes me say..."What the Fuck!"...out loud. Like when I heard that Julia Robert married Lyle Lovette. When I seen the picture of Katana and her boyfriend, he's not a bad looking guy, but she is way out of his league only bringing in $12k. Another thing that came to mind was what the fuck happened to Britney Spears? She is getting dangerously close to hitting the wall. It must be all that smoking she does. She used to be top 3 on both mine and the Single Guy's lists. Now, she didn't even make either of our lists. That is 30 women combined that we selected before her. I selected old ass Faith Hill & no tits having Kate Bosworth before her. The Single Guy selected Uma Thurman...UMA FUCKING THURMAN before Britney Spears. You know what? at this point I would too. Has anyone fallen this hard in such a short period of time? She is turning out to be the Shawn Kemp of Hot Chicks. I did my usual hot chick search on the Internet this week at work and came across the latest white trash pictures of Ms. Spears. She was walking in some parking lot, smoking a cig of course, and apparently she stepped on her long red skirt, exposing her blue panties that looked like they barely fit her. She also looks a little trashy with those tattoos. All this stuff I could over look, but the thing I couldn't over look was her face. I always had a little problem with it. She kind of looked a little funny, like she had a lazy eye or something. Now she just looks old. Plus she said that she is going to try and get pregnant on her wedding night. I can't wait to see those pictures.

On a happier front... have you seen the topless pictures of Jennifer Anniston? Nice! The nipples on this girl are crazy. No wonder we could always see them through her shirts on "Friends". That's the only reason I watched that show the last 4 seasons. I can't believe she is in her early 30's with such a perky rack. Her boobs belong on a 21 year old. I am going on record here and saying that once they start to droop, she will get some little implants to keep them firm so Brad won't have the need to trade up.

What the Fuck is up with the whole Kobe case? Have you read some of the transcripts? Who is the other women Michelle that Kobe said is a regular girl he bangs on the East Coast? How long is Vanessa going to stay with him now that this has come out? Did she already know about this Michelle woman? So far some of the public reaction is that Kobe must have raped Kate Faber because he first lied to the police about not having sex with her. I mean what guy wouldn't lie about having an affair if he thought his wife would find out about it. Look at former President Clinton...this guy lied to a Grand Jury to keep his wife from finding out he was cheating. That is one of the first Guy rules you learn...deny, deny, deny. Two other rules guys learn; If she bleeds, she needs & If there is grass on her infield, Play Ball! I plead the 5th on the rest of the Guy rules, just in case any females ever read this and forward the information the the Married Girl.

Katana Baker on Howard Stern

Married Guy re: Rick James, Aqua-Man, etc.

Well, I have been having some computer problems at home so I haven't been able to post for the past week. I am trying to fit it in while I'm here at work, but I have to honestly say that my best work is done from home.

I am not really sure about the whole Super Hero issue. At first I wanted to pick Superman, but for some reason, I just figure that he has a Super penis. It has to be like 12 inches long, and to me, that can cause problems. First, you would need to find women to hook-up with that have large vagina's...I like to call them "Phat Monkeys". I don't think most women can accomadate this. It's like in some of the porn movies that I watched with these guys who are really big, they have like 3 inches of unused shaft. It's just a big waste to me. You see the guy pull out of the girl and only about three fourths is covered in Chick sauce, It's sad really. The worst part for me though would be not being able to pull off 2 of my favorites... The Nut Slap & Ass Wave. You know what I'm talking about. When you're hitting it from the back and you feel your nuts playing patty-cake with her soft bush, especially is she's rockin' a Lamont. Or every time you bang up against her ass, you see that 2 waves of ass cheeks go all the way up to her lower back. That's the best. And if I was Superman I wouldn't be able to experience this...shit, you might as well just give me a Kyptonite covered condom.

I guess that would be better than being Aqua-Man swimming around with his wrinkled up little dick. This guy probably had no chicks. I guess he might be able to find some Mermaid to give hime head once in a while, but technically he wasn't getting no pussy, unless you count Flipper's blow hole.

I would probably choose to be Spiderman. I think he is one of the coolest super hero of all time. He was kind of mellow like myself. I always wondered if he could shoot spiderwebs out of his cock. Man if he could do that, I would definetly choose him. I would come home and let MJ give me head...then pullout and spray it all over her and she would be stuck to the wall. That shit would be funny. The climbing on walls would also come in handy for my peeping hobby. I could spy on pretty much anybody.

I think I would rather date a woman with bad breath or a smelly cooch than dingleberrys. As you know, I don't have a strong sense of smell, plus if she had bad breath I would just do her doggy style. The dingleberry thing would just turn me off...unless I was drunk.

Pic of the Day: Olympics Revisited...

[ Delta Pi Delta ]

Single Guy: Rick James, Robin, Aqua-Man, Flakes

The Single Guy – 9/05/04

- I can’t find any pictures of Rick James when he was on crack. Now Rick James always had braids before crack and after crack. What I want to know is if Rick kept the braids during the decade he turned his house into a crack house? Wouldn’t it have been easier to cut it all off, or maybe he just wore a wig. If he kept the braids up, who would he get to come to the house and do his hair? Wouldn’t a normal hairdresser be afraid to go into a crack house?

- Why are hot lesbians and bisexual women not as picky as heterosexual women? You always see ugly lesbians on TV getting women way out of their league.

- If I could be any superhero in history, I would be Robin, Batman’s sidekick. Think about it, Robin was a teenager and was the sidekick of one of the best superheroes of all-time. He got all kinds of teenage pussy and he did nothing to deserve it. I don’t know if the comic book is like the TV show, but Robin couldn’t fight and Batman always had to help him. I think Batman kept him around to have someone to talk to. Robin also didn’t have a superpower, so he was never burdened with the whole “who am I” self-discovery thing most of them go through.

- I would never want to be Aqua-Man. Really, who does he have to fight? What villain in his right mind is conducting business in the ocean? Is it like G.I. Joe, where Cobra has equipment worth billions of dollars? Where was Cobra getting that kind of money? How much time was spent constructing all those bases they had? Another thing about Aqua-Man I didn’t like, he couldn’t eat fish. One thing I did like was his costume. For some reason, his costume looked less gay than say Superman’s. I personally think Superman was gay and used Lois for a beard. He knew Lois would spread the word that he liked her because she had a big mouth.

- When Superman masturbates, does his sperm fly? I wonder if they could shatter glass and shoot through walls. When he was a teenager, was he smart enough to think about this, or did he end up killing somebody?

- On MTV 2, they said Jagged Little Pill is the best cd in 20 years. I’m embarrassed to admit I agree with the chose and own the cd. Out 0f 12 songs, there were 9 solid hits. They were far from the best songs I've ever heard, but it was a great collection. The one other cd I’m embarrassed to admit I own is Madonna’s greatest hits, Volume 2. I worked with a Mexican guy who was surprised I liked the Tears For Fears song “Head Over Heals.” This guy looked like he was damn near homeless and couldn't figure out why the women at work weren't attracted to him, but he’s surprised by what type of music I listen to. “You wouldn’t be embarrassed to be listening to that when the brothas come by?” He said through his tarter stained teeth.

- I was talking to a friend, who’s from Illinois. She actually asked me to pronounce Illinois to see if I pronounced it right or not. She said a lot of people don’t know how to pronounce the word properly. I’m happy to say I passed. She also said she use to hear people always comment about people in California being flakes. She thought it was a dumb stereotype until she moved to California and realized it was true. I had one friend, Lower Case G, who always did what he said he was going to do. I hated the motherfucker, but I always appreciated him keeping his word about doing things. I also appreciate how you would always call if you couldn’t do something. Other than that, the only people I’ve known to keep their word are women I’m dating. If there’s no sex involved, a woman won’t show up to do shit, or she’ll be late as hell. Fucking California.

- Here’s a trick question: would you rather date a woman with dingle-berries, smelly cooch or bad breathe? I’ve actually come across all 3. Wait, I’m not sure about the dingle-berry, it could have been a mole.

The Married Guy RE: My Weekend

That Calamari guy sounds pretty funny. You should make him your henchman. You know who I think was the best henchman.... Joe C. Kid Rock probably had him doing all kinds of wierd shit. I bet it was a "test" that ended up killing Joe C., not some illness that was reported. Kid Rock probably made him do some new experimental drugs or eat some bad pussy. Speaking of bad pussy, Pam Anderson didn't get Hepatitis until she started kicking it with Kid Rock. Is Kid Rock some sort of jinx or does he try to get rid of people by giving them serious infection when he is finished with them? We should look into this.

So how did it end with the pregnant girl on Friday? You should have hooked that up for later. From what you said, she seemed into you. You know my saying..."Keep the Piece". You could have called her 3 months after she had the baby. The doctors might have stitched her back up really, really tight. It might had felt like one of those vaginal rejuvination surgeries.

That mustache story you tell always brings a smile to my face. I personally have nevered experienced that with a girl I was seeing, but is this a problem all women have? Are some women better at covering it up than others? What about under arm hair? And the all important pubic hair? If she had the other areas taken care of, how could she not take a shave over her girl-stache? You would figure she would start there. I have a friend who's girlfriend...now wife, was perfect in every way except her pubic hair. She would not shave it. She would barely trimm the sides for her bathing suit in the Summer. When ever we went away on trips, it always looked like she had this huge maxi-pad on. She had the straightest pubic hair I have every seen on someone non-Asain. I had an ex-girlfriend, back when I 13 who was Phillipina and she had straight pubic hair too. Some times I find myself in Asain porn sites just to reminise about my friend's wife's pubic hair & to get me some selfesteem about my penis size. I think that is why I want to hook up with a black girl. I would love her curly pubes. I would shave the sides clean, but leave the middle grow out like a fro from the 70's and call it LaMont.

The Married Guy didn't do much this weekend. Watch some sports on Friday night. Play PlayStation2 most of the day on Saturday. Go to Best Buy, Staples, & Home Depot on Sunday... as boring as that sounds, it was a perfect weekend for the Married Guy.

The Single Guy: My Weekend

The Single Guy – 8/30/04

I forgot to report on my weekend. Not a lot happened. Friday, I was suppose to go to the movies with Ague, but she called me to late, I was already on my way to a bar/club to eat and drink. I’m sitting at the bar, when I hear two guys walk up to two women sitting next to me. They ignored the third one, who happened to be fat and ugly. Eventually, the guy walks away from the girl sitting next to me.

The girl sitting next to me starts a conversation. To be honest, I didn’t want to be bothered. She was the real friendly, talkative type. She was cute, much better looking than her friends. I’m thinking she might be interested, because she’s ignoring her friends and taking to me the whole time. All of a sudden she tells me she’s married. I look down and there’s the ring. That was nothing, she points to her stomach, which she was hiding behind the bar, and I see she’s about 8 months pregnant. It was impossible to tell, unless you looked down at her stomach. I was going to stop talking to her, but I couldn’t, she was to mentally disturbed to walk away. While drinking her long island ice tea, she told me about how she’s unhappily married and having her second child to keep the first one from being an only child. She has to stay with her husband for financial reasons now. I couldn’t believe someone is married to her. I can’t lie, by the end of the conversation I was pretty buzzed. I’m not sure if I would have slept with her if given the opportunity, but I would have thought about it.

I had breakfast with Calamari Saturday morning. At the last minute, we decided to have Sushi. Food was good; we were there for an hour and then went outside to talk. I learned he lied about dating someone he’s gone out with twice. They were nothing more than business meetings, but he talked about them like they were actual dates. Funny.
While talking to him, I remember a girl I dated once. She was pissed about something I did, so she came over one day to talk. So, we had a long talk and then I walked her down to her car. It’s the middle of the day, I’m looking in the face of a woman that just got finish telling me off and what do I see? A big fucking mustache. Holy shit, I couldn’t stop staring at it. All I kept thinking is, “I can’t believe I was dating this girl.” She’s all happy now because she was no longer angry. I couldn’t stop looking at the mustache. That mustache brought down whatever feelings I had for her and the reason was this: She was going to go get it waxed, probably that day, but I was thinking about if we were seriously dating or married. What if she was in an accident and was laid up in the hospital for a week or two. Her mustache would be fucking huge, and I would have to pretend it doesn’t exist. Yeah, like that was ever going to happen.

Single Guy: The Henchman

The Single Guy – 8/30/04

I was watching New Jack City the other night for the hundredth time and realized something: The old Italian crime boss was watching a Jordan Bulls game on TV and he made a reference to Jordan having a missile for a cock (This movie had some of the worst writing in movie history). One of his henchmen starts laughing way to hard for a joke that weak. When you think back to other crime movies, these guys always had their henchman around to laugh at there fucking jokes, go get the car, go get the cigars, watch the car while the boss is in his mistress’s house fucking. They did all the shit work and ass kissing nobody would want to do.

I’m figuring there are difference levels to henchman. Now the guy that’s second in command, or a close confidant, I don’t think they would qualify as henchman because they can say things like, “Damn it boss, you’re out of control!” Think Tom Hagen of the “Godfather.” The bottom of the food chain would have to be the guy who has to taste the food to make sure it’s not poisoned. You know you’re on your boss’s shit list with that job. It’s like if I worked for one of these guys and they say, “Single Guy, you’re going to be taste tester for the boss.” I would reply, “Hey, wait a minute. What, I’m not getting fired? What happened to firing people? I'm black, we're lazy by nature. I'm to lazy to be a food taster.” Then I’m told, “Shut up and taste the food.” That’s when I do that cry where I do what I’m told, but fighting to hold back the tears, while I bite into a piece of garlic bread (garlic bread sounds good right now).

The best real life example of this is Saddam Hussein who was a maniac. His henchman would have to kiss ass like crazy, or they could possibly not make it through the night. He would test his close advisors, like he would make a decision that wasn’t popular, and execute them for treason if they didn’t agree with his decision. Basically, his advisors entire job was to always agree with Saddam. Thinking about it, as long as he didn’t throw them any curveballs, that’s a pretty easy job. Shit, I’m completely unqualified to be an advisor to a president/dictators, but there is no way I could fuck up this job.

I think tasting his food wouldn’t be so bad, as long as you get the word out that he has other people tasting his food first, maybe they would find another means of killing him. Then again, you may be the one he has start the car to make sure there is no bomb. I would be going around making sure everybody knew what my job was.

One variation on the henchman is the bodyguard that doesn’t guard anything of value. I knew a guy that was used as a chastity belt and he use to brag because he worked for a celebrity, but his only job was to watch the guy’s girlfriend to make sure she didn’t cheat.
I think the best guy to work for would be Paulie of Goodfellas. Paulie didn’t talk to anyone. Wait, I forgot, Paulie had his brother Tutti out in the rain making his phone calls. Never mind.

Pic of the Day: Walsh & May, Olympic Gold !

Married Guy: Don't Fuckin' Jimmy me Jewels

All I’m saying is that I’m like a racecar in red! ………. How could you do it? Seriously how? You bagged on 5 maybe 6 (if Leah’s body doesn’t snap back) of my women. It just isn’t right man! And some of the reasons I just couldn’t understand. My list was a mix of “Overall” women, from head to toe. I will have to defend my women now. I never mentioned once how I think Jillian Barberie is over the hill and trying to hard to stay young. She still looks good for 50, but come on, who still wears their hair in Feathers with all that clown make-up on….aside from my mom’s older cousin Diana, who is a retired “Chola” from back in the day, and Maria Conchita-Alonso in the movie “Colors”. Every morning when I watch her do the weather I think she is going to say “Hey PAC-MAN…look at Me PAC-MAN!”

I thought we were cool, I thought we were buds. You have always been my sidekick. I have always been Batman and you Robin, I’m the Lone Range and you’re Tonto, I’m Jay and you’re Silent Bob, I’m Trump and you’re my apprentice, I’m Chris Tucker you’re Jackie Chan, I’m Lionel Ritchie you’re the Commodores, I’m O.J you’re A.C., I’m Vincent Chase you’re Eric, Drama & Turtle, I’m George you’re Willis, I’m Rog you’re Dwayne & Re-run, I’m Ponch you’re John, I’m Lenny you’re Squiggy (you can be the Big Ragu if you want)…. but you get the idea. We’re supposed to be boys.

Ali Landry: I know you said I don’t listen to you but I figured that all these women on our lists aren’t going to look as good in person, so I threw out what you told me about her. Maybe I should reconsider because I was just thinking about the time we saw Nia Long outside of our work….and Damn she was fine. If I hadn’t of came in my pants when she looked at us I would have tried to talk to her. She looked better in person. Anyway, back to Ali. How could you say Ali’s too thin when you put Scarlett Johansson on your list. Scarlett looks like she is barley 90 lbs., and that is on the screen.
Charlize Theron: Jigga what? Jigga who? I can’t believe this. She has a slight, and I do mean slight, posture problem and you call her on it. Yet you choose to look the other way on the whole Juliette Lewis, is she a retard or is she just fucking strange question. She plays a slightly retarded person in all her movies…The Other Sister, Kalifornia, From Dusk Till Dawn, Cape Fear…either that, or she is the greatest actress ever. Even when she did that Gap commercial, at first I thought it was some down-syndrome kid asking me for money, then I realized it was her.
Beyonce: I will agree with you here about her voice, but that Ass more than makes up for it. I can’t say that about your girl, I mean lady, Kristine Davis. She was hot back in the first couple of seasons of Sex in the City, but that was like in 1991. I swear I tuned in one time during the last season and I thought HBO had brought back “Tales from the Crypt”. Then you talked about Gabrielle Union’s hands when Kristin’s look way older. I guess I would be into her if I was into getting hand jobs from my grandmother. After seeing old ass Kristin Davis on your list I was expecting the next name to be Betty White.
Leah Remini: You really need to get over that who voice thing. All these girls on my list are deaf mutes when I fantasize about being with them. Speaking of that, how hot is Marlee Matlin? She turned 39 on Wednesday and she still looks good. I am debating if that last sentence should read, she still looks good for a deaf mute. If she was “normal”, I don’t think I’d have a thing for her. I know that sucks but it’s true. I picture us married, then when I get home from work all I see is her fucking hands flailing around non-stop trying to tell me about her day. While she’s doing that, she is trying to talk to me at the same time, but she sounds like one of those old cassette tapes that had been left out in the sun too long.
Jessica Simpson: You can’t rip a girl for doing whatever she has to, to make herself look better. You need to rip girls who think they are hot, but are definitely not. Take Uma Thurman for example. She is “Fugly” (Fucking Ugly). When I seen the trailer on TV for Kill Bill vol.1 & 2 I thought it was a new Kid Rock video. I swear they are twins. I hated her in Pulp Fiction. Why couldn’t Mr. Wallace get a hot white chick? He had the money and the power and he gets stuck with Uma. He could have had Rosanna Arquette and Uma could have played Lance’s pierce infested wife…shit, I would have settled for him banging Winston Wolf’s niece.

I know I shouldn’t have responded so soon. I should have let some time pass, but I had to protect my women.

Single Guy: In Reference To Your List

I’ll be damned if you didn’t have a good list. I didn’t give mine enough thought, I just put in whoever came to mind. Wait until next year! I pretty much like everyone on your list but I have a few things to say:

Ali Laundry: I see you don’t listen to me. I told you I saw her in person at a Circuit City and she didn’t look like she did on TV. She was really thin. What made me laugh was her fake walk she’s probably been doing since she got on TV. It was one of those fake model walks. Guess who she was with? As the great poet Jay-Z would say, “A.C. nigga, that’s riiiight.”

Charlize Theron: I must admit she does nothing for me since I saw her come out on the Tonight Show slightly hunched over. What can I saw, I like good posture.

Beyonce: I use to love Beyonce when she first came out. This was before I ever heard her speak and I thought she was like 20, not 16. My problem with her was she sounded so young and country. The country voice drove me nuts. Why couldn’t she sing when she wanted to say something? Anytime I pictured being with her, I got turned off because she would start talking. In my fantasy, she even moaned country. So, to fix this problem I brought in the entire group and usually had the other girls kissing Beyonce or sitting on her face.

Leah Remini: I would have put her on my list, but I have to wait to see if she bounces back from pregnancy. I loved this woman’s body before she got pregnant. She was so hot, I even started liking the voice. Imagine that voice coming from Joan Cusack.

Gabrielle Union: It’s becoming obvious to everyone you have a thing for black women. You need to have at least one to get it out of your system. There is only one thing about Gabrielle I don’t like: She has some of the ugliest hands I’ve ever seen. Check out “Breaking All the Rules” to see what I’m talking about.

Rebecca Romijn: I can’t believe I left her off my list. I’m filled with regret.

Meagan Good: Here’s another one I forgot about. Damn it! You’re right about her probably not giving you head, most young black women don’t.

Jessica Simpson: She’s hot. I’m praying we’ll see a nip slip one day. For your own good, don’t look at any pictures before the nose job.

Good Job.

Single Guy: MLK'Oing That Pussy

MLK: I’m watching some Martin Luther King special on TV and I wondered why they didn’t talk about his other work. A guy from MLK’s inner-circle said MLK’s entourage use to travel from city to city, fucking groupies all across the country. MLK? Is this nigga serious? (I always call black people nigga when they do or say something ignorant. Even though to some it’s still wrong, it’s socially accepted because I'm black, so I milk it where I can.) I knew MLK slept with other women, cheating on his wife, but I had no idea he had rock star status. I remember when I first heard he cheated I didn’t realize it would take away from what he accomplished. That shit didn’t matter to me though, because I personally feel if they were going to give a holiday to someone black, you know, throwing us a bone, it should have been Harriet Tubman. That’s just my personal opinion.

When I first heard about the cheating I was 18 living with my aunt at the time. I remember those two months for two reasons: MLK’s cheating and O.J.’s chase fucking up MY viewing of the ’94 NBA Finals. That was the year Ewing would have had his only NBA title if John Starks didn’t shoot 3 for 18 from the field. I always wondered if Ewing considered putting a hit contract out on Starks, but changed his mind when some woman way out of his league walks up to him at a club and says, “Aren’t you Patrick Ewing? You’re even hotter in person. Can we go somewhere and talk or something?” I started talking to my aunt about MLK and the fact that he cheated on his wife. I thought my aunt was the greatest woman on earth. Now, the reason I remember this conversation so well, after all these years, is because it changed how I looked at my aunt. Her views on MLK cheating: “Because he’s a minister and is married, I feel we should no longer observe him as a great man.” I asked, “How can you take away from all of his accomplishments because he slept with other women on the side? Even his own wife forgave him.” My aunt said, “I don’t care what he has done, he was married and cheated on his wife. What he did to his wife supercedes anything that he has done in this world.” Wow. This bitch was really crazy. I never cared to be around, or talk to my aunt after that. This is a woman that couldn’t forgive MLK, who actually helped change the face of this nation for the better, because of multiple infidelities. Yet, she criticized me for forgiving a male friend that admitted to having an attraction towards me, but forgave her own 38 year-old husband for having an affair with a 16 year-old girl. Go figure.

MLK getting hoes, I couldn’t believe it. I don’t care how hard he was fighting for freedom, this ugly, water headed lookin', shouldn’t have been able to get women this easily. I wonder what type of women he was getting. I mean, he spent a lot of time in the south right? I lived in the south and I saw like 3 attractive black women in the state. The good- looking black women in the south are in Atlanta. I wonder if they were like the fat ugly church going types like Florida Evans or Mrs. Thomas, Roger’s mom. There is no way he was getting women like Alicia Keyes, Meagan Good, Beyonce or Gabrielle Union. Wait, Gabrielle Union wouldn’t have a chance, MLK only liked light-skinned women. I wonder just how hard he had to work to get the women he was getting. I mean, Woody Allen is ugly little troll, but he gets women that look like they would be with an ugly little troll. His wife looks like the 9’ tall aliens from “The Twilight Zone” who would fly people back to their planet to be eaten. Their heads were huge. My theory on Woody being with her is this: She had this abnormally large head. One day, Woody found out she could see into the future. Not to far into the future, just a short distance like a few months. Woody is full of anxiety as we know, so he married her to keep her close, so he always knows what will happen next. Like he knew people would still buy him being a leading man in movies getting women like Tea Leoni and Tiffany Amber Thiessen.

I also wonder if MLK was getting any famous women or white women. I knew women loose their mind when it comes to fame, but there has to be a limit, right? A girl once told me that the man she would most want to be with was Billy Bob Thornton. Damn, that’s still funny to me. Then again, she liked women and guess who Billy Bob was married to at the time? Angelina Jolie, who gets all the panties wet. My friend Agua (Spanish for Water) is called Agua because she once told me she thought Mike Bibby of the Sacramento Kings was “cute.” Comedians make jokes about how ugly this guy is. When I told the Married Guy that, he started calling her Agua because she didn’t have any taste. I had a girlfriend who once told me if she ever had a chance with Prince she would take it, and I would just have to understand. Prince gets women like Kim Basinger, Sheen Easton, Vanity and Carmen Electra all in their respective primes. I thought to myself, you’ve been gaining weight; there is no way you’re getting Prince. I got my revenge though: I told her all Princes’ best songs were written when he use to sleep with other men. That instantly turned her off. Looking at Prince and the Revolution, who didn’t know they were all gay, except women?

I want to see a documentary on all MLK’s old hookups to see what he was working with. MLK is uglier than pretty much any black celebrity I can think of. The documentary would be tasteless, but who wouldn’t watch out of curiosity? I want to hear word for word what he said before, during and after he had sex. Did he talk dirty; was there more than one woman at a time? Did he get some of them front row seats at his famous I Have a Dream speech? Who wouldn’t want hookups to that speech? MLK had a dream that we would all be equal and we’re on our way, it will just take time. My dream is to know if MLK ever let his boys in his entourage smell his fingers and then they all start giggling like little girls because they all knew what we now know: “We are to fucking ugly to have it this good.”

Married Guy: Apologies

Let me explain. For those of you out there who are “Married with Children”, you will know exactly where I am coming from. It is tough to get some free time at home without any interruptions. That is the main reason that my all important list started out strong but then fell a little short. I wanted to dedicate at least a paragraph to each woman and get into some real details. Maybe the real reason that my column fell short was because maybe that’s my M.O., especially now that I am married…..aside from my Wedding night. I hooked her up. I brought out almost all my moves, but I decided to save some so she would have something to look forward to. On the big Anniversary I will re-introduce her to the “Shocker” (2 in the pinky & 1 in the stinky). The first time I used it on her, I made sure she was really drunk and boy did she like it. Of course she acts like she doesn’t when she is sober, but how many women really admit to it. When the MarriedGirl gets drunk, all bets are off, and I have pictures to prove it. Maybe once day, a picture of her Moans Venus will grace our Blog!

I have set aside some time to write on Tuesday evenings, Thursday evenings, & Saturday late nights. Hopefully the SingleGuy can squeeze in some columns on Sundays, Mondays & Wednesdays. We will try to post a picture of a different beautiful woman every Friday because the MarriedGuy is usually beat to shit at the end of the week. The SingleGuy usually hits the clubs with Calamari…..thus gaining some good material for his Sunday column.

I want to send a special apology to friend of the SingleGuy’s who for now, we will call her Agua. She is the main reason for this entire column. I want her to understand how hard it is to type an article while trying to play football catch with the 3 year old. At the same time, the MarriedGirl, who is 6 months pregnant, is asking me to help her hang some picture frame she just finished making that has old cards that we have sent to each other over the years. Little does she know that I have about 7 computer windows open trying to narrow down my starting line-up between Beyonce’s ass and Jessica Simpson’s boobs.

Yeah I know it is a little pathetic, but I have chosen to embrace that term. Yeah I know I am pathetic, but to me pathetic stands for: Player And THE Trick I Create
It pretty much means in my house, I run the show. The SingleGuy says that I have no emotions and I think the MarriedGirl thinks that sometimes too. I just try to do the whole Family thing as much as I can, which pretty much leaves my porn fascination to the late nights after everyone is asleep or when I get 10 minutes a lone in the house. That is really how I got side tracked with my list. I was looking up some pictures of Meagan Good when I received this pop-up add for celebrity nudes. That’s all it took to get me side tracked. I was looking up every celebrity I could remember. Don’t ask me why, but I seem to really enjoy the picture of Helen Hunt in a thong at the beach. Pretty soon I notice everyone is asleep and I go for my secret stash hidden deep inside my PC. Just a note, I haven’t mastered the whole jacking-off to pictures on the Internet…I have tried, believe me I have tried. I just can’t get it. I loose the rhythm when I try to select different pictures. I can’t use the left hand on myself. I can use it on women with no problem, but when I try the left hand on myself I can’t seem to control it. I end up using the old go to method with my shorts around my knees watching 3-minute video clips hoping that I don’t hear anybody coming down the stairs…. You gotta love being married.

UPDATED LIST!!! The Starters only.

ALI LANDRY : This woman is almost perfect, aside from the fact that she was boning A.C. Slater. Speaking of that, what the fuck was that all about. When I heard that, she almost dropped completely off my list. It was a complete drop-off, kind of like what is happening to Gary Payton right now. Once Ali called off the engagement, she was right back in the starting 5. Is was like the date rape drug Mario Lopez had been giving her had finally wore off. Out of everyone in the list, she probably has the overall best package.

CHARLIZE THERON : One word. CORN!!

KATIE HOLMES : Perfect girlfriend. She has that wholesome look to her. I need to have a girl that I would be able to bring around the family. Katie seems like she would need to be plastered to want to receive the Shocker.

LEEANN TWEEDEN : A sexy trashy girl. I think she might be able to drink me under the table, although she seems like she would want to give me the Shocker, and I just me let her! She also looks like she would enjoy more than one cock at a time, so I might have to get one of those strap on chin-dildos.

BEYONCE KNOWLES : Love that Ass. She has a pretty face to, but who could tell with all that ass in the way….and it looks so perfect. I want to lick her ass and create a new flavor of Bootylicious bubble gum.

Reality TV....why we love it !

Married Guy: The List!

You are definitely right about this being a hard list to come up with. Since you have 15 women/Girls on your list, I think I am gong to make up my list sort of like a basketball team. I will have 5 “Starters” with their individual specific talent. Then I will have 7 more on the “Bench” who have some overall talent and can be used at different positions. I will break down positions and requirements for my list in a bit. My final 3 ladies will technically be on my “Team / List” but not on my Active Roster. These girls can be moved to my roster at any time and also be traded to other lists. Since I am doing this Basketball style, I will not include any of your women on my list. Should sisters count as one roster spot? Can I get Jessica and Ashlee Simpson with one pick?

The Starters:

Ali Landry : She will run my point. Overall knockout. She has the face, body, and the whole package. She gets a [9.3] on the scale.

Charlize Theron : All star caliber woman. Drop dead gorgeous. Naturally beautiful. If she had bigger breast and a bigger ass, she would be a 10. She gets a [9.5] on the scale.

Katie Holmes : Girl next-door type. Very cute. Type of girl you could marry. [9.2] On the scale.

LeeAnn Tweeden : Another overall Hot chick. She seems like she would be a lot of fun. [8.5]

Beyonce Knowles : Great body! And a pretty face and smile. She is very young to be that thick. She is defiantly pushing maximum density. In the next three to five years she could go either way… (Halle Berry or Florida Evans). [9.3]


The Bench :

Karen McDougal : Typical centerfold hot. She can pull off a lot of different looks. Party girl I am guessing and is not afraid to get naked. [8.8]

Leah Remini : Sexy. I like the little attitude she has. Someone who will always argue with me, but we can have tons of make-up sex. She didn’t seem too experimental sexually on Howard…. but I always think I can get that out of my women. [8.5]

Gabrielle Union : HOT…nuff said. Looks great in pants or a skirt. [8.7]

Jennifer Aniston : Oldie but goodie. Great breasts. Always sexy. [8.6]

Rebecca Rojmin : Party, party, party and sexy. Don’t know if I could trust her for some reason. She has that sexy secretary feel to her. [8.2]

Meagan Good : Sexy as hell, in a young girl kind of way. Doesn’t seem like she would give head though. Her boobs might be a little too big for her small frame. [8.3]

Jessica Simpson : Nice! Annoying, but fine. Tig O’le Bitties. [8.4]

The Injured Reserve list :

Faith Hill : Classic. She could sub for almost anyone on my list. She is like a solid veteran role player…….think Karl Malone [8.0]

Tiffany Amber Thiessen : Kelli Kapowski. My old “Saved By the Bell” crush. She even looks good chunky. If she has a bigger ass, she’d still be starting. [8.1]

Kate Bosworth : Young talent. Always got a place on my roster for that. [7.9]

Married Guy RE: Porn, Reality TV, The Love Boat and Throwbacks

Porn: Can’t say I have ever rented any Transsexual porn, but I have stumbled across it on the web. So I guess we are both 97 % straight. On the subject of Porn, I think that this subject needs it’s own section specifically dedicated to it.

House of Love: I guess I would need a little variety too. The whole massage thing and “Happy Ending” has always fascinated me. My cousin had a friend who did it. She said that her going rate was $43. I always wondered how she came up with that amount. I assumed that she figured that the guys would just give her a minimum tip of $7 or just hand her $60 and tell her to keep the change.

Jerseys: I defiantly can go for those football jerseys. But even with that, I feel I am too big to pull off jersey numbers that belong to quarterbacks, running backs and receivers.
Actually any skill position. I would have to stick to either the offensive or defensive lines. How cool would I be rocking the throwback jersey of #72 of Chicago Bears William “The Fridge” Perry?


Reality TV: I know what you mean. I was all into it at first, but after awhile it just drags on too much. The only this good about them are the chicks. If none of them catch my attention on the previews, then I don’t even bother with them. The last reality show that I was hooked on was Temptation Island. I was glued to that stupid show every week last summer. I was on the message boards and everything…. bashing that stupid ass Zack. Man I fuckin’ hated that guy. I also liked the Real World Las Vegas. I can’t get that dirty white girl Trishelle out of my head.

The Love Boat: Isaac was the Mac, I don’t care what you say. Of all television shows, who do you think were the best characters?

…….I had to cut all these topics short because I couldn’t concentrate. All these women are trying out inside my head right now to earn a spot on the all important …..List !

SingleGuy: The List

This list is the hardest thing I've done since I dated a girl I couldn't get it up for and always had to find a way out of sleeping with her. Was I supposed to tell her she didn't turn me on, or that her face looked weird to me when she was on top? The problem with this list is the women from when I was growing up were sexier than the women now. No woman today can compare to Kelly LeBrock. Every time I say the name I smile. I can even remember the first time I saw Kelly: 1994 in my grandparent’s living room. HBO was showing "The Woman In Red" and there she was. I thought she was the hottest woman I had ever seen (I was 9 at the time). I can remember where and when I saw her for the first time. Can I say the same about anyone on my list? NO, but here it is anyway, in no particular order:

Juliet Lewis - A co-worker of mine summed up Juliette's formative years in one sentence: "She always had a retarded look to her." My response, "Yeah, I thought she looked retarded when she dated Brad Pitt." He ends the conversation with, "So, I wasn't the only one." I have to say that she gets better with age. I've thought she looked good since I saw her walk from the stairs to the front door in a bikini from "Strange Days", which I have tapped, and then she topped it off with the "Do you want to eat my pussy" line from "From Dusk Til Dawn." In my opinion, she has a nice body. She had what I call "Trailer Park Feet" a few years ago, but she's taken care of that since then. Trailer Park Feet is when a woman looks like she walks around all the time with no shoes on. They get weird toenail discoloration and their heals are dry and crusty. I will talk about this in detail when I write "Girl's I've Hookup with # 9: "Have you Been Frying Food at Your House, or Are You into Black Guys?"

Kristen Davis - I like everything about this woman, except her age and a varicose vein on the back of her calf. I think I could overlook one misplaced vein.

Jennifer Love Hewitt - Hot. This girl has one of the best bodies, but it all depends on if she's underweight or not. When I retire her, it will have to be for 1999's "The Suburbans." I haven't seen her in a while, so I'm going by "Heartbreakers", which came out in 2001.

Jessica Alba - I'm on this bandwagon. As far as I can tell the girl has no flaws, she's beautiful. My only problem is she appears to go from guy to guy. She may be kind of slutty, for some a good thing, but it would go against her in my book, because she's a booty-call you could actually get attached to. I don't want to be on the phone, "I love you Jessica and its tearing me up inside. You don't even know." (Remember David telling Cara that from Real World Seattle? This season was my favorite. It had David, the guy with so much of a fashion sense people thought he was gay; Nathan, the first alcoholic of the series; Lindsey and Janet, the first time there were two women in the house at the same time that I wanted to do; and they had the Reggie Miller of reality TV: Stephen the closet homosexual. The consensus is that San Fran was the best season, but I hated that year. I use to only watch to check out the semi-hot Australian that looked like a Gelfling from the Dark Crystal. I disliked or didn't care about anyone else from the San Fran year. I had a soft place in my heart for Pedro, like everyone else. He genuinely seemed like a good guy that got a raw deal, but he was so fucking feminine it annoyed the hell out of me. I’m 100% straight and all. Well, maybe 97%, I’ve checkout she-male porn before to see if I was into it. I was disgusted by it, but I felt like I should deduct 3% for looking. I couldn’t understand why Pedro wasn’t hooking up with a better-looking guy.)

Jennifer Lopez - I can't take her off the list. Every time I’m out (A picture of cellulite on the back of her leg), she pulls me back in (the stretching scene in "Gigli"). To me she has a womanly figure and I like it. She better hope being pregnant doesn't spread that ass too much.

Jillian Barberie - She has the hottest, sluttiest walk I've ever seen and she has the ass to pull it off. With that googlie eye I can't tell what the hell she's looking at, but I always assume they're all looking at me anyway.

Uma Thurman - I never thought I would put her on my list. I always, I mean always thought she was unattractive. She was tall, ugly and gangly. I've changed my mind after seeing Kill Bill. Not that I would want her, but if she wanted me I couldn't resist. What does it say about a woman's looks when most people think Garofalo looked better in "Truth About Cats and Dogs?”

Jennifer Esposito - Can't really say much about her, she's hot.

Scarlett Johansson – I never noticed her until “Lost in Translation”, the unrealistic movie where ugly, old Bill Murray doesn’t try to sleep with a hot, young, intelligent woman who happens to be the only woman in Japan attracted to him. Her only flaw is that gut she was sporting in the movie. I actually thought she was pregnant in real life and they tried to downplay it in the movie. Maybe the gut wouldn’t matter in the real world, but this is my fantasy, damn it!

Jennifer Garner – She was like a 5 before she got into shape. When she gets comfortable with her career she’ll blow up again in no time. For now, she’s on the list.



Worth Mentioning:


Angelina Jolie - She's to skinny, with no shape to her. Her tits are nice though. I kind of like the lips, but they are wrinkly like she does a lot of deep sea diving or something. I always think lesbians will end up with wrinkly lips like this because they are under all that moisture. I wonder if that's why lesbians love her so much. I always hear "I'm not gay, but if I wanted a woman it would be Angelina Jolie."

Lindsay Lohan – She use to be on my list even though she's white-trashy. I was looking at her feet (that's my thing) in a photo once and her nails looked dark around the edges like they were close to death. Only athletes have nails this fucked up. I was wondering if she ran point for the Clippers and I never knew it.

Lauren Sanchez – This woman is literally perfect. I don’t see enough of her and there aren’t many pictures of her on the net so she’s not on. She acts kind of silly when she’s on Good Day LA, I don’t like that. Only white women pull off the silly ditzy thing.

Amanda Bynes – I debated putting this one on the list because she’s so young. I can’t really imagine going all the way with her but she seems like she would be fun. The highlight of her career is when she showed some ass crack in the late night kitchen scene in “What A Girl Wants.”

Misty May – The only reason I ever watch beach volleyball.

Single Guy: Porn, Reality TV, The Love Boat and Throwbacks

Porn: Gangbangs? You’re worried about gangbangs? I once rented a she-male tape. Try looking another guy eye to eye on that one. In my defense, it didn’t turn me on; I actually got queasy a couple of times. I can’t get into the 1 guy doing multiple women because in porn, I get the feeling most of these women prefer women anyway. Just to let you know, Jake Steed was the only reason anybody rented those old Ed Powers videos. I use to really like Alisha Klass: Back when I didn't have a vcr at home, I would rent a tape of Alisha and watch it at work when nobody was around. Nobody in porn does that for me now. All the previous Alpha Females of their era, except for Jenna Jameson, would have done that for me in the past. Those females are Marilyn Chambers, Ginger Lynn, Ashleyn Gere and Alisha Klass. Can you believe Tom Byron has done everyone on this list?

House of Love: Yes, yes you are pathetic, but what married man isn’t? Your Mexico story is the funniest things I’ve ever heard. I would give that story an 8 on the pathetic scale. “When are we going?” He said it’s all Asian. I need a mixture just in case I’m not in the mood for Thai or Chinese. I wouldn’t mind going to the Bunny Ranch and doing Sunset Thomas, but I know once I’m in there I won’t feel a thing.

Jerseys: As far as the jersey, you’re not too old, you’re to overweight; I can’t talk though, I am too. Those jerseys only look good on fit people with nice arms. We need to get football jerseys: the fat mans sports jersey. I was seriously going to get the Bob McAdoo throwback just so I could wear it at a Clipper game. Only hardcore fans of the NBA know the Buffalo Braves changed their name to the Clippers. Speaking of Eric Nies, I wish I could get some Eric Nies throwback pussy. He was dating Pamela Anderson before she became ugly. When I heard that, I mouthed the words “What the Fuck” like I was shot in the chest and never saw it coming. We could say the same about Scott Baio, but remember he only went after women that weren’t as famous as he was.

Reality TV: Don’t disrespect reality TV! I love it. How can you knock Road Rules, where Jillian fucked Patrick the first night? I’m getting tired of Real World even though I was addicted to the show once. I’m addicted to Big Brother. Every year I think I’ll stop watching, and then I get excited when the season stars. The only thing better is the start of the NBA season. The people on Big Brother are backstabbing and conniving, what more can you ask? My only gripe is the women weren’t that good-looking this year. This year, they have an unprecedented 3 butter-faces.

The Love Boat: Do you know I’ve never watched a full episode of the Love Boat? I hate those old shows where they have the black man serving everyone. Remember, they had Isaac, Benson; Florida Evans and Louise Jefferson were both maids. Racist motherfuckers! Isaac may have been cool, but unless Jane Kennedy got on that boat, Isaac wasn’t getting any pussy. That’s what I’m always telling you about when it comes to race. Isaac is cool, but most white women would have settled for Gopher, Doc or the Captain. Isaac would be the one they would call go get them condoms, so the mood wouldn’t be broken. To answer your question, I think Julie would hookup with the Captain, he had that Picard thing going: “I’m old, I’m balding, but I’m the Captain motherfucker!” Gopher is goofy looking and he has a goofy name. I have no opinion about Doc, except I’ve never seen a doctor that looks like he can get any woman.

Your Sign Off: Your sign-off is funny. “Can the Married Guy beat his previous alone-time record of 5:36? Can he finally beat the kids to the Playstation, or will the 4 year-old get the mother to run interference? These were previous issues that he swore would be vindicated.”

Married Guy - RE: When Money Exchanges Hands

When Money Exchanges Hands: You have a good point on this subject, but I am kind of the opposite thinking on this one nowadays… mainly because I used to like it when I would get some eye contact from the cashier until the guy went over the line at “The Sex Shoppe” when I was renting some porn a while back in my single days (I don’t do that stuff anymore….we’ll discuss this stuff later). This guy would look and my selections and start giving me his opinions. I really just wanted to get in and out as soon as possible before more guys came into the store. I already felt weird about having 2 gangbang tapes…I mean what does it say about me that I like to watch 8 to 10 guys doing 1 or 2 girls at a time. That is about a minimum of 4 to 1 penis to vagina ratio…. technically not good odds. Why wouldn’t I choose a movie with 3 or 4 girls doing 1 lucky guy? I have no idea. It just doesn’t do it for me. My last movie I selected came down to an “Up and Cummer” or a “Dirt Debutant”. The choice of Randy West or Ed Powers. In Amateur porn, this is like a choice between Magic and Bird in the early 80’s. This time I selected Ed Powers and his “Dirt Debutant” collection for one reason…. and the guy behind the register called me on it. He says to me, and not in a regular conversation voice either, “This one is a good one. It has Jake Steed in it”. Like I didn’t know that. The weird thing was I was too embarrassed to turn around and see if anybody else in the store was looking to see if I had rented anything from the Gay section of the store. It is not like I rented something because it had Alisha Klass or Janine in it. Did this guy really know that the only reason I chose this movie was because Jake Steed was in it? I am not sure if he did or didn’t, but it sure seemed like he did. I felt like I was in the Fugee’s video of the classic Roberta Flack song “Killing Me Softly”. I almost just grabbed my wallet and ran to my car…… but I tried to play it cool (as cool as one could be renting porn 5 blocks from his work on his lunch hour on a Tuesday) and just ignore the guy.

The House Of Love: I know the friend you are talking about and that is pretty funny. Does it really count as hitting it off with a girl when you have to pay her to touch you? As far as the Pathetic scale goes, we all have been there. I can honestly say that I have been all across the board on this one. I usually hover from 3 to 5, but I have been known to pull an 8 or 9 every now and then. Now that I am married, the scale just seems to magnify itself. How pathetic would it be if a father gets angry and his kids for hogging up all the PlayStation2 time? How pathetic is it that a married man is his early 30’s gets happy, I mean really happy to hear that his wife is going for a 20 minute walk so he can get some “alone” time? Or a father that has to “barrow” his 15 year old sons porn just because he hasn’t had anything new in a while. Maybe I just shared a little more than I should have. So when are we going to the House of Love?

The Reason For The Name Calamari: That is a great story and a great name. This guys sounds like a character from the 70’s. I wish I could pull stuff like that off…. I can’t even pull off a basketball jersey. I am not sure if it is my age or the fact that I am way out of shape. I guess it is a little bit of both. If I was in great shape I would still feel weird in a Kobe jersey or even a throw back jersey off Doug Christie when he played with the Lakers. I think I would feel like Eric Neese in the 90’s hosting the Grind.


The Player: Speaking of pulling stuff off, I was thinking this was created by a black guy too. I watched about 2 minutes of this last night and had to change it. It seems like Reality TV shows aren’t even reality anymore. I bet at the end of the “Player” season we will learn that the creator of the show and the real Player is Isaac from the Love Boat. He had to be one of the coolest TV guys ever. With his patented two handed point, he was the “Ish.” Especially with the 3 dorkiest white guys… Doc, Gopher, and Captain Stubbing. Who do you think the Cruise director Julie would chose to hook up with? Plus he had all the hook-ups to the liquor…forget about it.

Good Night: That is a classic sign off. I was cracking up when I read it. I am not sure what mine would be. It would probably be something like watching old clips of NFL highlights. We would have that deep voice narration and would see what I have done on previous day with clips of me in slow motion looking out the window making sure everybody has left, then running up stairs to the good VCR with my video and tissue.



Since this is the very beginning of what is going to be a great website, we should start off by creating out list of Top 5 or Top 10 list. I think Top 5 would be good with maybe 1 or 2 subs. What do you think?

Single Guy: When Money Exchanges Hands

When Money Exchanges Hands: I’m getting tired of going to stores and the people behind the counter don’t make eye contact with me. The other night, I went to a Del Taco and the girl at the drive-through gave me my food, but she held my bag out the window, while looking away. Today at El Pollo Loco (Mexicans are the worst at naming anything, everything has a generic name), I was never looked at after she had my $20. This happens at fast food places, waitress at other restaurants, Target, Wal-Mart, etc… I don’t know why, but this shit is really stating to bother me. Every time it happens I feel uncomfortable like I asked them out, they said no, but we still have to finish the business transaction. If at anytime I’m exchanging money with people, I need some intimacy. If I was running a business I want my employees to act like the women who gave me head and actually liked it. You know, how they peak up at you and smile. Or the way the tell you how good you taste when it’s over. Yeah, it’s probably bullshit, but I like being lied to. I’ve had a couple of waitresses like that lately and my friend Calamari (The story behind the name is below) was with me both times. They were so nice, he was under the impression he could possibly get both of them. One of them looked so good, I was masterbating to her all week, until Calamari said they were going out on a date. I doubt he was telling the truth, but that ended that.

The House Of Love: This reminds me of an exchange I had with another friend, who shall remain nameless. This friend would frequent a place he would call “The House of Love”, an illegal brothel that he used to always talk about. One day we had this exchange: “Hey Single Guy, when are you coming to the House of Love?” (I’m not a snob about this subject matter, I’ve paid for sex before and afterwards I realized on the pathetic scale I was at around a 4. The most pathetic moment you can have is begging for change outside a store. A family walks by, you do your shtick where you ask for spare change, when you realize the family is your ex-wife, who looks better than she ever did with you, your kids and their new daddy). Anyway, I told my friend I had no interest in the House of Love, but never gave him the real reason: I don’t want to be on the pathetic scale. He then says, “There is a girl there that I hit it off with. I’ve been with her a few times and I think she would go out on a date with me if I asked.” I replied, “Yeah, maybe you can take her out after work.”

The Reason For The Name Calamari: We were out one night at a place he would frequent all the time. He got kicked out for a stupid reason and was pissed. He leaves me a voicemail on my phone that night and actually said this sentence: “You know, there was no reason to kick me out? A brother just wanted to get his mother-fucking Calamari on!”

The Player: I’m watching “The Player”, the show not the movie with Tim Robbins. All these guys put their “game” to the test to see who will end up with the girl at the end and become the biggest player. Her two friends nominate two guys to be eliminated, and then she eliminates one of the two. The show is stupid, but I might actually start watching. I’m looking at the girl and I think she’s cute, not hot, but then I see a hipbone hanging out. An actual fucking bone! She’s white, so I want to see how many of the black guys she gives a chance to. Most of these white girls keep the black guy around to show they’re not racist. She calls her two friends “her girls.” When she sends a guy home she says, “Don’t hate the Player, hate the game.” I know somebody black came up with this game, I can feel it.

Good Night: I always wish I could end all my days with the voice from the old Batman TV show that would always give a rundown of the current caped crusaders dilemma, then tell us to tune in next week. “Will Single Guy be able to go home and go to bed without looking at porn or playing video games? Tune in next time, same black time, same black channel.